Secrets

Over the past couple of months, I have been entrusted with a great deal of sensitive information; what is more interesting is that this information has come to me second hand. The result: not only an incredible sense of responsibilty, but also a sense of betrayal.

The problem is this: if you know something about somebody and that somebody doesn't know that you know, you feel like an intruder upon that somebody's life. This creates a sense of awkwardness and guilt; I find myself worrying that I am giving off signals that I know the secret; I am making a conscious effort to avoid giving away anything that might incriminate myself or my source. It is not a very enviable position to be in.

Ultimately, I am somebody who does not like secrets: the last time I kept a big one, it almost destroyed both myself and those closest to me. I am an open book; my feelings and ideas are usually written all over my face and those who know me can read these messages without any trouble. However, I know that it is necessary for some things to remain undisclosed until the time is right for them to be revealed (if, indeed, that time even comes).

But how am I supposed to 'react' to a revelation that I am already aware of?

In many ways, I would prefer to remain utterly ignorant. However, there is still that part of me that is thirsty to 'know': the naturally curious (or nosy) part of me that is always going to be interested in what's going on with other people; I suppose you end up feeling closer to people if you know some of their more intimate details.

On the other hand, though, I have felt somewhat compromised of late; I shouldn't know what I know. So I guess I won't ever let on that I knew...

And so the secret comes full circle.